Everything Is Not Broken

I can't believe the year is almost at its end and the holidays are just around the corner. I can still clearly remember the end of last year and what a horrible time in my life that was.  I'm very much looking forward to celebrating the holidays in my own home with loved ones.  In less than a month it will be my birthday and unlike last year, this one promises to be very special. I found out that my special someone is planning something big for me and I'm giddy with anticipation. I don't care how old I get, birthdays always make me happy and excited.

After an unexpected Come to Jesus moment a little over a month ago, I'm finally back to being in a good place where complications are few and  love is all around me. I've always been the believer of Karma, and unfortunately this time around it was I that was given a bit of the what goes around comes around lesson. I behaved badly and Karma taught me that no one is immune to her punishment.  I had to learn to forgive in order to be forgiven, which by the way, is no easy task. I definitely feel that I now see certain people in a clearer light and will appreciate what they bring into my life and not take them for granted again. I have placed blame where blame is due and can love freely and honestly....and after months of secrets and tangled webs, it feels good, really good.

The Resolution Of All The Fruitless Searches

Driving home in evening rush hour, heart beating quickly, my body aching for the quiet only found in his arms.

I walk through the house removing layers of clothing, layers of the day and of myself, every step is taking me towards the bedroom where he sleeps. I climb into bed, gently, so not to wake him. I need to lay next to him, feel his skin against mine and lay my head in that special spot on his chest, beneath his chin where I fit so well.

He wakes.

We lay a long time without saying a word, looking at each other. I do not know what he sees, but I see eyes of surpassing tenderness and love. In the golden iris of his eyes I see truth and honesty and it lulls me into peace.
I sleep.

When I wake again, he is still looking at me, his gaze silently letting me know he is there to stand guard over me and protect me from the shadows that hide in the corners of my mind.

I know that though we are hardly touching, we are falling deeper and deeper into a place beyond words or touch....

we are falling into love.

That's Not The Shape Of My Heart

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm lonely. I've been laying in bed, unable to sleep, tossing and turning and just feeling...lonely. I've been a little bit blue all day. Nothing happened to make me suddenly feel this way. I just woke up sad and the feeling has lingered through the day. I had been feeling light for so many days. Waking up and feeling a weight on my heart was so unexpected. If I was surrounded by people, I think I would still feel lonely. Isn't it strange to feel that way?

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight. I miss him. I wish I could lay my head on his chest while he sleeps and listen to his heart beat. Let the rhythm of the beats be my lullaby. It's only then that I would have peace and sleep. He's the only one who can calm the storm within.

I wish I wasn't feeling so lonely tonight. I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't miss him so much.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

As Constant As Any Sun

Maybe it has been the brilliant meteor showers this past week, the wishes made on the shootings stars streaking across the desert sky or perhaps the acceptance that some aspects of my life are not ready for change that have brought a certain blissful peace over me. Whatever the reason for this sense of calm, I welcome it. The recent thunderstorm of emotions had left me weary, tired, confused. This quiet tranquility has given me opportunity to think, to make decisions, to make sense of my feelings. To understand that I can't rush what is yet to be.

Someone very close to my heart recently told me that I write of love on this blog yet I can't reach out for it, I only dream of it. How strange it was to hear those words from someone who I felt knows me, for those words are far from the truth. I reach out to love. I grasp on to it. And even when I should let it go, it's power over me does not permit me to do so. I suffer from that love. I find happiness within it. I am controlled by love. I am controlled by my passions. I allow it to lead me into depths of desire and love some never reach. I lead my life by the beats of my heart. For me, passion is not released by sex alone. I am not tempted by sex. I succumb to my desires, my passions only to the heart who I know can reciprocate the intense emotions I am controlled by.

It can only be about sex
we both know that.

But
what I wonder is
why
after every molecule of desire
in my body has been satisfied
after
the sudden moistening, the deep
fierce aching and rising heat,
after
the throbbing glory of release and the cries
of need and pleasure have dissolved
into the air,
Something like my soul slips from me
and goes to you,
without choice or question,
and wraps itself around you
all night, like the breath
of the moon
And why
I carry the thought of you
as constant as any sun
in my heart.

-g.zeitlin

Stripped

I've been working on something. An exclusive blog. A blog where my secrets will be revealed to those who ask for access. I've grown weary of those who read the words I write here, who talk about them, who get hurt by them, who love me less or love me more because of them. This new blog will be different, all mystery gone, no shadows to hide behind. A place where I will reveal myself. My true self. No tangle of words. It will just be me. Stripped. As much as I love the mystery behind the words I write there are times when I just need to say things as they are. I will still continue to post on this blog in the style that I love. It will not change.

If you would like access to
Lost in Sweet Delirium
email: my.scarlet.conclusion@gmail.com

Drink Up, Baby Doll

Leave me be. Stop knocking at my door and trying to look through my windows. Do you understand? I know you're there. I see you every day. The words I write are for me. The words I write are for him. Ours is a never-ending story. The things I write are what's in my heart.....what's in his heart I won't share. I keep what he feels and what he says in the silver box of treasures and wishes he has given me. Do you not have a story of your own? What sickness drives you to me time after time? Am I an addiction? Are my emotions, pain and love your drug? My words are not meant to be conversations to be shared over coffee, or wine, or for your amusement. Were you not asked to stop? If questions cloud your mind ask him. Maybe he will lie. Maybe he will tell you the truth....that the torture I put myself thru is a torture we share and that our future is in my hands. Stop looking to me for answers.

Leave. Me. Be.

Always Between The Lines

The moment has come to pass. The page has been turned. The dark clouds that had drifted above me gave way to a luminous sun. It became clear that my constant deviation from the path I should be on was a detour that was taking me in the wrong direction. I allowed wishful thinking to fade the memories that linger between the lines.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. The next few weeks will be both exciting and busy. We are leaving on a weekend trip tomorrow morning and another next weekend, both of which I am looking forward to. I am hoping to come back with a renewed sense of clarity, ready to move forward with plans that I've been afraid to put into motion, ready for a new beginning in a new house, and ready to let the shadows of the past fall away and make room for what's already here, and especially for what's about to come.

I’m Best At Leaving When Leaving Is Not The Best Thing

Making up after breaking up isn't as easy as love songs make it out to be. I've spent the week at home trying to make up for my hurtful words and actions. No, that's not true. I must be honest, I haven't been trying very hard. I still don't feel like myself and I'm holding our relationship at arms length. The closer it gets to the first of August, the more I seem to pull away. I'm scared I'm making a decision I will regret. I'm afraid of what I will lose either way I go. I know you don't know what I mean....as I've said many times this week..."I don't want to talk about it right now". All I've done is hide behind drunk laughter. Changing the subject when he brings up something I said that hurt or why I left. Changing the subject when he wants to clarify something he knows I've over analyzed in my head. I see it there in his eyes, behind his big smile, hurt. I say nothing. I don't know what words to say to make him feel secure when I can't even understand why I did or said what I did to him. I feel distant. It isn't just towards him....I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone right now. I'm finding it hard to pull myself together and make some important decisions and choices.

The sun is slowly setting and I'm laying by the pool as he gets ready for work. He'll leave in a few minutes and I can just lose myself in thought again. I will reassure him without words that I will be here when he gets home in the morning, he wont come to find me gone. He wont have to leave work early because he's too overwhelmed by my actions and rush home like he did last week to find me gone.

I have an admission to make.... I've been hearing the tick tock tick tock of my biological clock. Funny, it's something that embarrasses me to even admit. Friends are getting married and having children and I feel as though I'm getting left behind. It's not so much the marriage part that has me feeling this way, it's just certain motherly instincts that have surfaced lately. I've begun to question who my soul mate really is. For so long I've searched for a soulmate in the men I've been in relationships with and for some reason...by my fault, their fault, our fault, relationships seem to end and the realization sets in that I must start over again and push those desires to be a mother away. Maybe, it's the little boy who I daydream about holding my hand that is the soulmate that I long for. I know I could be a good mother. I have so much love to give. I could be a good mother, im sure of it. I could do it on my own.

The bottle of wine is fini, the sun has now set and the smell of rain is in the air. It's time to put to rest the thoughts that trouble me for now.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You

I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.

He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.

He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.

For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.

No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.

I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.

And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.

Paint The Two Of Us On A Canvas In Chains

Love taken away came back with a thunderous roar with reminders of touching memories, love songs and dreams of a life that once was deeply desired. Confusion, disbelief and even anger clouded my mind and soul. I pushed the past and the present away and for a moment wanted nothing to do with what was once there and what existed now. Promises were made and just as easily broken... and just as quickly as the storm came, it passed, and I was left with the remembered sadness of months passed. The ache I had fought so hard to conquer came back with force and I felt defeated again. I was again an island of melancholia in a sea of sorrow. The dust eventually settled and I understood that what lingers there still, beneath the surface must be accepted. It is up to time to decide if like a tattoo it is there for a lifetime, or if it will fade and only the outline will remain.

In the wake of the storm I discovered that love didn't leave my side for a moment. Love was still standing there, reaching out to me, calling me to him. I am lucky I know...to have someone that loves me and stands beside me even when I tell him that past battles have left me wounded and that I don't know if I will ever truly be healed. I am lucky that he is stubborn, insisting that his heart will prove me wrong.

There are days when forgetting is a struggle. There are days when a song, a tv show, a smell, a memory will send me to a place I thought I had turned away from and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all. Oh, to erase the painful memories as Clementine did in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! How easy life would be then. How painless. I suppose all I can do is remember the good, learn from the bad and be grateful for the path that led me to where I am now.