I’m Best At Leaving When Leaving Is Not The Best Thing

Making up after breaking up isn't as easy as love songs make it out to be. I've spent the week at home trying to make up for my hurtful words and actions. No, that's not true. I must be honest, I haven't been trying very hard. I still don't feel like myself and I'm holding our relationship at arms length. The closer it gets to the first of August, the more I seem to pull away. I'm scared I'm making a decision I will regret. I'm afraid of what I will lose either way I go. I know you don't know what I mean....as I've said many times this week..."I don't want to talk about it right now". All I've done is hide behind drunk laughter. Changing the subject when he brings up something I said that hurt or why I left. Changing the subject when he wants to clarify something he knows I've over analyzed in my head. I see it there in his eyes, behind his big smile, hurt. I say nothing. I don't know what words to say to make him feel secure when I can't even understand why I did or said what I did to him. I feel distant. It isn't just towards him....I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone right now. I'm finding it hard to pull myself together and make some important decisions and choices.

The sun is slowly setting and I'm laying by the pool as he gets ready for work. He'll leave in a few minutes and I can just lose myself in thought again. I will reassure him without words that I will be here when he gets home in the morning, he wont come to find me gone. He wont have to leave work early because he's too overwhelmed by my actions and rush home like he did last week to find me gone.

I have an admission to make.... I've been hearing the tick tock tick tock of my biological clock. Funny, it's something that embarrasses me to even admit. Friends are getting married and having children and I feel as though I'm getting left behind. It's not so much the marriage part that has me feeling this way, it's just certain motherly instincts that have surfaced lately. I've begun to question who my soul mate really is. For so long I've searched for a soulmate in the men I've been in relationships with and for some reason...by my fault, their fault, our fault, relationships seem to end and the realization sets in that I must start over again and push those desires to be a mother away. Maybe, it's the little boy who I daydream about holding my hand that is the soulmate that I long for. I know I could be a good mother. I have so much love to give. I could be a good mother, im sure of it. I could do it on my own.

The bottle of wine is fini, the sun has now set and the smell of rain is in the air. It's time to put to rest the thoughts that trouble me for now.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You

I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.

He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.

He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.

For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.

No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.

I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.

And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.

Paint The Two Of Us On A Canvas In Chains

Love taken away came back with a thunderous roar with reminders of touching memories, love songs and dreams of a life that once was deeply desired. Confusion, disbelief and even anger clouded my mind and soul. I pushed the past and the present away and for a moment wanted nothing to do with what was once there and what existed now. Promises were made and just as easily broken... and just as quickly as the storm came, it passed, and I was left with the remembered sadness of months passed. The ache I had fought so hard to conquer came back with force and I felt defeated again. I was again an island of melancholia in a sea of sorrow. The dust eventually settled and I understood that what lingers there still, beneath the surface must be accepted. It is up to time to decide if like a tattoo it is there for a lifetime, or if it will fade and only the outline will remain.

In the wake of the storm I discovered that love didn't leave my side for a moment. Love was still standing there, reaching out to me, calling me to him. I am lucky I know...to have someone that loves me and stands beside me even when I tell him that past battles have left me wounded and that I don't know if I will ever truly be healed. I am lucky that he is stubborn, insisting that his heart will prove me wrong.

There are days when forgetting is a struggle. There are days when a song, a tv show, a smell, a memory will send me to a place I thought I had turned away from and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all. Oh, to erase the painful memories as Clementine did in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! How easy life would be then. How painless. I suppose all I can do is remember the good, learn from the bad and be grateful for the path that led me to where I am now.

Singing My Way Away From Blue

After a week of limited interaction with my significant other due to his having to attend work related training that has him up and out of the house before dawn and back home extremely exhausted and in bed by 8pm I have come to truly believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder. This is my first experience with "missing" him and I will admit I hate it. Time together has become a luxury and I am looking forward to this weekend as we will be in our little bubble of love and passion again. I feel as though I have won the cosmic jackpot having been found by this man who makes me happier than I've been in a long, long time.

i am in the most exquisite distress
astride you now
sweating
feeling an impetuous volcano
strain at its peak
inside
wanting to explode
my sweetest self
all over you.

The Sweetest Story Line

It's been nearly impossible to get anything done lately. I have been in a constant state of romantic sensual bliss. I can't concentrate at work. I sit here in my office and day dream all day long. I'm distracted doing the simplest things. I've been happy and giddy and walking around with a silly school girl smile. It feels amazing to have someone tell you that you are everything they have always dreamed of. It's wondrous to have someone look at you with an expression of total and complete happiness and knowing it is you that has made them so happy. I listen to the things he says...they sound so familiar to me. He speaks of soul mates, fate, destiny. Everything feels so good right now that I get that panicky feeling inside, the one that says "this is too good to be true". And at those moments when fear gets inside my heart and I start to pull away, he asks me not to give up on us. I hear his voice and it soothes away the anxiety and the fear of allowing someone in again.

Sigh.
Off to day dream I go again.

Not the Quick Forget

Driving at dusk. Windows down. Music playing. Happy. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a song starts to play loudly. Our song.

I thought I'd locked him up somewhere where he could not get to me anymore but in an instant I feel him around me as if he had never been gone. That ache that lingers somewhere deep inside comes to the surface and I have to fight back the tears. I will not cry. I will not. I had not allowed myself to think about him for more than a second, to miss him had not even been a question. But there he is, the words of the song bringing him to life again. Do I still love him, I ask myself. After all, three years is a long time and its only been a few months since we ended. If I don't love him anymore does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I did?
Why does it matter? Why do I care? It doesn't matter. I don't care.

My mood changes. Darkens. What is that I feel now? Fear. Today I run far away from love, and the possibility of love, and the thought of love, and the power of love. Today I push love away.

Love is dangerous. Love is a fickle little bitch. Love has such power.
.Love. Love. Love.
I don't trust you, Love!

I want to pick up the phone and call him...but I have nothing to say and I don't know how much power his voice still has over me and I cant take the risk. Tonight I will just let the past slip in to remind me to be careful this time around....not to believe so quickly....not to hand over my heart completely. Tonight I will just listen to the song we were going to dance to at our wedding and let it fall off me until all it is is a pretty melody with lovely words that I can lock up in my box of memories and not open again for a long, long time.

Object of Desire

Who is this naked sex nymph I have become? This intoxicated sensual vixen? Touch me and you'll see...I'm on fire. What is happening to me? What has this man done to me? What is this tearing clothes off as we walk in the door relationship, this racing home from work to be thrown up against the wall relationship doing to me? He is like a drug to me. I must have him. He must have me.

Is lust the primary emotion in this new relationship? Oh yes, there is lust, but I have felt lust before and this is different....this is raw desire not just for everything sex, but for everything him.

How can I describe this man? Tall. Strong. Handsome. His body is, oh God, his body. Shaved Head. A Bad Ass on the right side of the law. Sexy...so damn Sexy! I have never been as physically attracted to anyone as I am to him. He is my boy toy fantasy come true.

Before you think that he is the rebound.... that this is the relationship that immediately follows heartbreak, he is not. There was someone else before him. Someone sweet, kind, funny, who gave me hope that there are still good men left in this world. Someone I made perfectly clear to that I was not ready for a relationship. I felt strongly about that. I did not want to belong to anyone. As great as he was I just did not feel that passion that is so important to me, that I refuse to live without. Before the ink even dried on the pages of my diary where I had listed the reasons I did not want a boyfriend....there he was.

He wants me to meet his parents. He wants me to meet his friends. He wants to take me on trips. I am his obsession. I am his addiction. I am his dream girl. He wants to take care of me. I have never had a man tell me he wants to take care of me. It was always I who wanted to take care of someone. This isn't just about lust.

What it is, what its going to be, I don't know. What I am sure of is that I have not felt this good in a long time...and I am enjoying every second of it.

Fire

Rain falls hard as he lays me down on the bed. I am suspended in air, lost in a place no one has ever taken me before. In this moment of fire there is no past. There is only the sounds of my breathing, my heart beating against his.

His body is as beautiful as a sculpture of a Greek God, such elegant symmetry of form. My fingertips painting pictures across his etched stomach and the sharp line above his groin and hip....the iliac crest, my weakness.

Smell of lilacs floating in the air like a love song. Lips on my shoulder. My name like a sigh repeated over and over.

Raindrops hit the window pane, as we sway like branches in a storm. Back and forth.

He pulls me to him.
You’re all I see, he says.

I close my eyes to his gaze. He looks at me in a way no one has in a long time.

Floating away. Lost in clouds. I fall asleep to the sound of his whispered song in my ear...


She needs to feel that fire
The one that lets her know for sure
She's everything I want and more
A real desire

Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire
To make her feel that fire
Feel that fire

Defending The Silver Lining

Endings are always difficult. New beginnings exciting. That is what I am discovering. I have been thru a lot in the recent past. I have found myself asking the night sky why people do the hurtful things they do in the name of love. Having found no answers I am resolved to never find out. Communication with the ex has been minimal. I ask him to return my belongings but he holds on to them. He says seeing me would be torture. I ask him if he can please give me my beloved cat. He refuses. My feelings toward him are ones of numbness. His constant threats and demands had made me feel as though I was living in a pressure cooker. Funny, I feel sorry for the next woman in his life. I'm sure she will get the "I'm an honorable man, I'm a good man" line from him as I did. I hope she is smart enough to know that men who find the need to convince you of this thru words, won't back it up by actions. I did not realize this until it was too late.

Our last conversations were filled with anger and sadness. In one sentence telling me that all would be better if I just showed up to "our" home, that he would remove the ad he had on eharmony, he would call anyone he had gone out with and end things. That placing that ad had been punishment for not running to him when he wanted me there. It was me he wanted. My silence always setting him off in the rage that I had gotten accustomed to... and in this rage he said the words that I will forever remember.

"You want to know something?! Do you?! I am a good man!.... Last night she had my cock in her mouth!"

I sat there stunned. That statement he made was almost comedic had it not hurt so much. How he could put those two sentences together I will never know. But those words set me on the path that I am now on.

I told a friend of mine that I wasn't going to date for 90 days. Give myself a little break from having to worry about having someone else in my life, and instead focus on me. I was after all feeling jaded and angry and resentful. He, as all good friends do, defended the silver lining. Not allowing me to believe that love was not on my side. He said something to me that I will quote, I hope he doesn't mind.....

"There are over 5 billion people in the world, of those 5 billion people there are souls waiting to have someone like you in their life who will return and sacrifice more love than you could possibly imagine."

The thought that somewhere out there is the "soul" that is waiting for me to come along gave me hope once again. Two weeks ago I put my picture and ad up on Match. I was apprehensive. I was kind of scared. What type of men would I meet? I have received numerous responses to my profile. I could probably go out on a date every single night with a different man for the next three months. But I have never been a serial dater. I am still just the girl who wants to find that one person who gives me goose bumps and butterflies. The constant flow of messages, people saying they would like to "know me better" has been interesting to say the least. Out of all of the messages I have received there is one man that stands out. I think he's crushing on me. I think I'm crushing on him. Unfolding the layers of who he is is an adventure I am excited to go on. Where this all will go I do not know. The only thing I am sure of is that once again, I feel like the girl who dances with her heart on her sleeve, just as I always have....

just as I always will.

Happy Birthday To Me

The clock struck the midnight hour and I popped the cork of the bottle of champagne I bought to celebrate my birthday with. Yes, it's my birthday today. "What do you want for your birthday?", I've been asked. What I want is for the sleepless nights and the ache in my heart from the pain he has caused me again to disappear . I want the doctor who told me that not only do I have a "mass" in my left breast but two nodules in my right breast that must be removed immediately to say she made a mistake. I want to not be so scared of the "C" word. But what I want I cant have. So, I'll just sit here, in the red cocktail dress that I bought today in an effort to feel good and look pretty, when all I feel like to do is climb back in bed. I will blow out the candles on my birthday cake knowing full well that not one wish will come true this year.